Dammit, I love you

I know this was for me. I know that your anxieties became mine and that we agreed this was for the best, for my own good. It stings. I know that sometimes it tore so deep when you were sad how will this be any different? and I know that there was some distance between us because of that, but dammit I love you and it seems to BURN not being with you and I know I can talk to you because you're my friend, but without you I feel dried out from the heat in the center of me.

It's strange, because everything but my heart is literally hurting. My throat has become my center of pain and I can't verbally utter what I feel. Every time I try it's like pulling a string out with hooks catching my intestines and lungs. I feel thirsty, but I don't want to drink. I either feel like not sleeping at all or doing nothing but sleep. I can't enjoy food.

oh god this just doesn't seem worth it, why are we doing this?

Right now I don't want anyone else and from the bottom of my heart I terribly want you to solve your anxieties...I want you to come back to me... win me back, fuck win me back. Find yourself so you can win me back. That's a lie, I know... because you know I'd take you back to remove all this pain and fill the hole where you used to be, where you belong. The one that needs convincing that you won't constantly worry me anymore while you're with me is you.

Being with you with a little worry seems much more worth it than how I feel now... but I don't think I can convince you, because ...you want me to be strong...

Fuck being strong. This is not strength. This is weakness.