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We swallowed fireflies,
watched them become
red esophagus lights
on the way down.

We pulled off wings of fairies
and cut them into tiny
glitter-dust pieces.

We blew up
the stars, the moon
and then, and then

There was no longer
enough light to guide us
in the night.
Too bad there's no fantasy section under poetry. :hmm:

Kind of an interesting follow up to "Death of the stars"? [link] An unintentional reference, actually. :XD:

:iconthewrittenrevolution: How is the grammar? Is my punctuation odd at all? Could it use more? Less?

Here: [link] :excited:
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:iconthemaideninblack:
:iconthewrittenrevolution:

Ha! Finally someone being evil to fairies!

:giggle: Apart from that. I really enjoyed this poem, although short; you seemed to turn usual metaphors upside-down, and give a new twist to them. Whereas many would use fireflies to convey a meaning of "guide", of "stars in the night", you give them a quite unusual role. I loved that (does that make me evil? Heh, I wonder).

Grammar, let's see... keep in mind that I'm no native English speaker, however...
"We pulled off fairy wings"; I think that using "fairies" would be better, because then you can write "we pulled off fairies' wings" instead of "we pulled off fairy's wings", which sounds weird.
Also, I'd substitute in that same stanza, "glitter" with "glittery", and consider putting an "and" at the end of the first verse... I feel like it's needed. But maybe it's just me. ;P

On the next stanza, I would suggest adding a second different image related to the moon, because it feels like there is something missing there... also, though I'm not that sure about this, you could try putting the second "and then" in a new line, maybe it would enhance its feeling?

And I think that's it. :) I really enjoyed it, different from usual and... meaningful, visual. I could picture it.

=HtBlack
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
8 out of 8 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconthe-virgin-suicide:
The-Virgin-Suicide Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2011  Student Writer
I love this so much.
Reply
:iconpagesofdreams:
PagesOfDreams Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2011   Writer
:D Ah, thank you! :heart:
Reply
:icondarkstorm5:
DarkStorm5 Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2011
I love this poem I think it's great!!!!!!
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:iconpagesofdreams:
PagesOfDreams Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2011   Writer
Thank you! :)
Reply
:icontoxic-scheherazade:
toxic-scheherazade Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2010
Beautiful, I love the metaphors, and the lack of punctuation just makes them stand out even more <3
Reply
:iconpagesofdreams:
PagesOfDreams Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2010   Writer
Thank you so much. :)
Reply
:iconstonedinc:
stonedInc Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
Now that's packing a punch in four. Vortex.
Reply
:iconpagesofdreams:
PagesOfDreams Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2010   Writer
Thanks... I think. :XD:
Reply
:iconsilverfleckedlullaby:
silverfleckedlullaby Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
This is beautiful :heart: I just have one tiny little nitpicky suggestion, what if you changed the last line so that it read "through the night?"
Reply
:iconpagesofdreams:
PagesOfDreams Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2010   Writer
It sounds good...only I can't imagine me saying that aloud. ^^;
Reply
:iconrocky-loves-emily:
rocky-loves-emily Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
This is great
Reply
:iconpagesofdreams:
PagesOfDreams Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2010   Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconrocky-loves-emily:
rocky-loves-emily Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
welcome
Reply
:iconseriesartiststarter:
SeriesArtiststarter Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2010  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Powerful. and yet somehow it sounds kind of crushing really morbid and well otherwise it is good in all other departments, outstanding.
Reply
:iconpagesofdreams:
PagesOfDreams Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2010   Writer
Thank you very much. :)
Reply
:iconseriesartiststarter:
SeriesArtiststarter Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2010  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Your welcome,
Reply
:iconchaotic-whispers:
Chaotic-Whispers Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
I loved it!
The wording was beautiful :+fav:
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:iconpagesofdreams:
PagesOfDreams Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2010   Writer
Wowowow. Thanks. :)
Reply
:iconchaotic-whispers:
Chaotic-Whispers Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
No problem. :D
Reply
:iconladyslaughterhouse:
ladyslaughterhouse Featured By Owner Apr 15, 2010  Professional Writer
Great imagery! :) :hug:
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:iconpagesofdreams:
PagesOfDreams Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2010   Writer
Thank youuuu! :hug:
Reply
:icontuesday-night:
tuesday-night Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2010  Hobbyist Photographer
I like how it isn't clear from the beginning that all the things have to do with light; even in such a short poem, the build-up to the end works. I also like how it has a feeling of liberation and joy and then in the last stanza it backfires.

Quite often poems this short don't work; I think the reason might be that there is not enough space for or around the elements. In this, you have no such problem.

The punctuation is fine, but a small thing that bothered me was the capital letter on the beginning of the last stanza; since it continues the sentence of the previous line, it would seem more natural for it to be lowercase.
Reply
:iconpagesofdreams:
PagesOfDreams Featured By Owner Mar 31, 2010   Writer
Thank you very much.

I know what you mean with the lower case thing, though I made it upper case because each line in every stanza starts off that way... so in that area I'm unsure. While it would grammatically balance, I'm worried it would take the stanzas off balance.
Reply
:icontuesday-night:
tuesday-night Featured By Owner Apr 2, 2010  Hobbyist Photographer
I see your point; I guess it's up to you!
Reply
:iconpagesofdreams:
PagesOfDreams Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2010   Writer
:)
Reply
:iconsuan-la-tang:
suan-la-tang Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2010  Student Writer
Yes, there is. We have inspiring poetry like this. :)

I'm dazzled. :)
Reply
:iconpagesofdreams:
PagesOfDreams Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2010   Writer
I know there's a Fantasy section under prose, but I don't think there is under poetry? I didn't see it.

Thank you for the favorite. :) I'm glad you were dazzled.
Reply
:iconsuan-la-tang:
suan-la-tang Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2010  Student Writer
Yes, there is still light, I meant! Provided by poems such as these. :)
Reply
:iconanalillithbar:
analillithbar Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
:love: LOVE This! :iconbeatingheartplz:
Reply
:iconpagesofdreams:
PagesOfDreams Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2010   Writer
Thank you very much! For the love and favorites. :hug:
Reply
:iconanalillithbar:
analillithbar Featured By Owner Mar 6, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
:wave:
Reply
:icongolden-girl16:
golden-girl16 Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2010
this is incredibly powerful. you use such beautiful imagery, such as the fireflies, and fairy wings, and the juxtaposition with the destruction of such beautiful things really creates contrast and shock that portrays the message with great skill.
i have to say, beautiful job.
Reply
:iconpagesofdreams:
PagesOfDreams Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2010   Writer
Thank you very very much. :heart: I appreciate the favorite and sweet words. :heart:
Reply
:iconshufflng:
shufflng Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2010  Student Writer
I've always liked poetry with teeth.
Reply
:iconpagesofdreams:
PagesOfDreams Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2010   Writer
:giggle: Thanks.
Reply
:iconestrangedliteracy:
estrangedliteracy Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2010
Swallowing fireflies and "and then, and then" - I love it.
Reply
:iconpagesofdreams:
PagesOfDreams Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2010   Writer
Thank you. :)
Reply
:iconestrangedliteracy:
estrangedliteracy Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2010
You're very welcome.
Reply
:iconsirenseranade11:
sirenseranade11 Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2010
:iconthewrittenrevolution:
This is wonderfullll, congrats on the DLD.
Now, I agree with =HtBlack who critiqued you, the grammar they pointed out and corrected is interesting and technically could be changed, but I really like it the way it is. Like, "glitter-dust" and "glittery dust" just have two different feels and actually seem like completely different things to me, if that's understandable. Also, I really like the way that "and then, and then" are on the same line because it gives a feel of breathlessness, like everything's going fast and you're losing control, so it really leads up to the last stanza well.
But yeah, haha I suppose I'm just trying to be reassuring. This was truly fantastic. Glorious job. :heart:
Reply
:iconpagesofdreams:
PagesOfDreams Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2010   Writer
Thank you very very much. I appreciate it. :heart:
Reply
:iconblame-the-messenger:
blame-the-messenger Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2010
Hey, congratulations on the DLD! Quite a nice poem you've written, interesting, I don't often see this sorts of fantasy poems. kudos :)
Reply
:iconpagesofdreams:
PagesOfDreams Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2010   Writer
Thanks. :) There really should be a fantasy poetry section. :giggle:
Reply
:iconitsxmagik:
ItsxMagik Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2010
Whoa. This is really amazing. :heart: Congrats on the DLD!
Reply
:iconpagesofdreams:
PagesOfDreams Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2010   Writer
Thank you and thank you! :heart:
Reply
:iconsumarlegur:
sumarlegur Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
this is lovely. with a little tweaking, it can be even better :]
Reply
:iconpagesofdreams:
PagesOfDreams Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2010   Writer
Thank you. :)
Reply
:iconalterego1629:
AlterEgo1629 Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
This is beautiful.
Reply
:iconpagesofdreams:
PagesOfDreams Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2010   Writer
Thank you very much. :)
Reply
:icondailylitdeviations:
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2010
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DLD (Daily Literature Deviations) in a news article that can be found here [link]
Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by :+fav:ing the News Article.

Keep writing and keep creating.
Reply
:iconpagesofdreams:
PagesOfDreams Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2010   Writer
:excited: Wow! Thank you very much!
Reply
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